December 14, 2012

Yesterday was a day of unspeakable darkness and pain in our country's history.  In the small town of Newport, CT, there was a school shooting and 20 children, mostly Kindergarteners, lost their lives.  When I heard the news on the KLOVE radio (and I was in the midst of baking Christmas brownies!), I was shocked and ran to turn the TV on.  As I watched and listen to the story unfold, my heart broke into pieces and I just sobbed.  I know that these aren't my children, but they are children.  And they were in Kindergarten.  I heard that a first grade teacher died too, and that hit home with me as well.  I quickly recollected the moment in my classroom when I taught in Oswego - when we were doing a Code Red drill with my class, and I remember one student asking me what I would do.  And without even flinching, I said that I would protect them with my life.  And in that moment, I knew that I would willingly give my life to these children, children who aren't even my own. 

Then God blessed me with all 3 of you.  How I feel about you is a thousand times more than how I felt about my students!  Of course I would lay down my life for you.  I would do everything in my power to protect you.

But no matter how much I will try to protect you, your first day of even preschool is the first day of letting you go.  I trust that I will see you again, I trust that you are going to a safe place that is school, but most importantly, I'm trusting that our great God is watching over you and protecting you.  And that is all I can do...trust.  And I pray that nothing tragic will ever happen to you.  If circumstances should present itself, and the unthinkable should happen, I really don't know what I would do.  But ultimately, I need to trust again.  Trust that our God is sovereign, and that He's our healer, comforter, and our pillar of strength in times of need.

So yesterday, I wanted to go to school and bring you, Joshua, home early.  All I wanted to do was to see you and hold you and tell you that I love you.  But I couldn't do that because Becca was napping and there would be no one to watch the girls.  I waited for you by the front door, and kept looking to see if Lucas' car was there.  I waited, what seemed like, forever!  It was past 3:30pm, and even though I knew you were in good hands, I was getting anxious.  I just wanted to see you!  And finally you came, and I ran out to you and gave you the biggest and longest hugs.  You probably thought I'd lost it!  :)

And Jenna, that afternoon, I just hugged you so tight.  And you kept asking me, "Are you okay, Mommy?" because I was crying.  I felt so grateful to have you safe in our home, my beautiful, precious, little girl!

As parents, we want to minimize any pain that you'll feel, take away anything that will be harmful, and try to be a buffer for any traumatizing experiences.  But at times, things just happen, and we can't be there to do what we desire to do, to protect you.  But know that we will ALWAYS be there for you to help you through whatever circumstances you're going through, loving you, praying for you, and helping you get through it.  We'll turn to God for strength and comfort.  We are family, and we stick together through thick and thin.

I love you so much that my heart could burst!  May you always know that!

First Day of Preschool

Dear Jenna,

I can't believe the day has come - your first day of preschool!  You have been so excited, and have been waiting so long to "go to school", just like your big brother.  Ever since Joshua started going back to school, you've been wanting to put on your backpack and go too.  Well, the day has come, and it's your turn baby girl!

So, on Thursday, September 13th, you had your first day of preschool at Conant High School!  You were so cute in your brand new owl outfit, and your ladybug backpack!

Before Joshua went to school, we took some pictures of you and him. 

And before we had to go to Conant, I took you to Chick-Fil-A for a traditional back-to-school breakfast!  We had fun just hanging out together, and you kept asking me if we're going to school yet.

At 10am, we drove to Conant, and as we pulled up, we saw Aaron Shogren and his mommy.  I'm so glad that you have a good buddy to go to school with.  You both look so cute, and so ready to go to preschool.

Very soon, you walked into the classroom, you put your backpack in the cubbie that had your name on it, and you started playing with the other kids and with the high school "teachers". 

We chose this program for you because of this - that you would have your own "teacher" to help you along the way.  You've not participated in many classes at the park district or anything formal.  So, this is all new to you.  But I believe that you will thrive in this program, and learn a lot, both academically and socially. 

As I watched you play, with your new friends and by yourself, I can't help but fight back the tears as I realized how big you've gotten.  You're no longer a baby, but a big girl.  You've become so independent, and sometimes you don't even want me around.  I know that God has blessed you with a spirited nature, wonderful spunkiness, a sense of adventure and fearlessness.  These are all excellent traits.  I want God to bless me with the ability to let you go...not too quickly, though.  I have a feeling that you'll be the first one out of your siblings to "take flight".  And while I want you to be the person whom God has called you to be, I know that I will have a hard time letting you go. 

And today is the first day of doing just that...letting go.  Sometimes I feel like you've already gone.  But it comforts my aching heart when you turn around, give me a little wave and smile your precious smile.  Because that tells me that you're making sure that I'm still close-by, and still able to watch over you.  And I will.  I will be there for you, whenever you need me.

I love you, Jenna!

Joshua's Salvation Story

 

Today, July 16th, is a day that I will never forget and will forever be etched in my heart. It's one of the best days of my life, and for Joshua as well. He made the most important decision of his life, and I am so blessed, honored, and priviledged to be a part of it!

As parents, it is Jared and my hearts' desire that our children will come to know the Lord and make Him first in their lives. There's nothing more important than that - not academic excellence, nor athletic prowess, but a sensitivity to the Holy Spirit with a desire to love the one true God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. I can't tell you the sheer delight and utmost joy when your child tells you that he wants to ask Jesus to live in his heart. And that's exactly what Joshua did today!

We were driving to, coincidentally, the first day of Vacation Bible School this morning. I had put in the VBS CD which we received at our church retreat a couple of weeks ago. One of the sweetest sounds to my ear is to hear my children singing along to worship music. It so happened that one of the songs on the CD is a rendition of Chris Tomlin's Indescribable.

When the phrase "You are amazing, God!" was sung, Joshua cried out, "God IS amazing!". And he continued to exclaim how much he loves Jesus and that he can't wait to see God and see heaven. I love it when Joshua starts talking and getting excited about Jesus. A lot of his questions, while valid, are difficult to give age-appropriate answers to where a 6-year-old can understand (that is why I'm so glad I married a pastor! I default all exegetical and theological questions to Jared!).

In the midst of our conversation, Joshua asked if Jesus was in his heart. And I said that he had to ask Jesus to come into his heart, and I asked him if he wanted to do that. Immediately, without a flinch, Joshua said "YES!". I explained that this is the most important decision in his life, "Daddy made his decision when he was young, and mommy made her decision when I was 12. Now you have to make your own decision."

Me: Do you know what it means to have Jesus in your heart?

Josh: It means that Jesus will take away my sins.

Me: And what is sin? (at this point, I just wanted to make sure he understood the basics! I was driving and couldn't really draw the bridge diagram!)

Josh: It's when we don't listen to God.

We continued talking a little bit more about sin and what happens when we continue to sin even after Jesus is in our hearts. And in his cute 6-year-old rationale, Joshua said that God forgives us, and it just means that He doesn't give us time-outs or strikes! He was really excited about that! (I think I'll need to have a conversation with him about consequences of his actions and ownership at a later date!)

After I felt like Joshua understood what it meant to receive Christ (his theology may not be as sophisticated as us grown-ups, but I felt like he got it. But what gave me peace was that he truly LOVES Jesus and is not ashamed about it, and he KNOWS that Jesus loves him "in the whole wide world!" and "to infinity and beyond!"), I asked him if he wanted to pray the prayer right now. And again, he said "YES!".

An appointment with heaven was about to occur. I didn't care where we were or where we were going, I had to grab this opportunity right now. His eager little heart is ready, and I can just picture Jesus kneeling down, arms open wide, ready for Joshua to run into His arms.

So, I pulled into a parking lot by McDonald's on Higgins Road, and found a spot under a tree. I got out of my driver's seat and went back to where Joshua was sitting. I knelt down, held his little hands, and looked into his big brown eyes. I asked him if he was ready to pray to Jesus. With a sparkle in his eyes, he said "Yes!". So, I had him repeat the prayer after me. I almost couldn't get through it because I was so choked up. But we did. And my Joshua gave his heart to his true Father. What a glorious day!

As we prayed, I can imagine the angels and all the heavenly hosts rejoicing, dancing, and singing! I can picture the angels chanting "Josh-ua! Josh-ua! Josh-ua!". There's something special and unique when a child gives his or her heart to Christ. Oh, the celebration in heaven! I can only imagine! And Jesus did say "Let the children come!"

And as a mom, I had the joy, priviledge, and honor to be the one who got to pray the prayer with my child; to be the one who led him to the feet of Jesus, and presented him, like Hannah did with Samuel. But the greatest joy is knowing that Joshua made the best decision of his life. And I rest in the knowledge that Joshua will be worshipping with me in heaven some day!

Holy moments take place all the time in our minivan. We have the best conversations and the best worship sessions. But holy moments can take place anywhere. I believe that we just have to look for the opportunities, teachable moments, and ultimately, promptings of the Holy Spirit, to have those conversations and moments with our kids.

May you be blessed by Joshua's salvation story. By the way, he's always asking if heaven is bigger than BJ Raji. He's going to be blown away by how big heaven truly is!

But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” Luke 18:14-18

Capturing Memories

I wrote this blog entry in For Such A Time As This...

(I dedicate this blog entry to all the moms who are going through a similar grieving process as their children are reaching milestones way quicker than the parents anticipated, especially with their last and final baby!)

I really don't know how some mommy bloggers do it. How, where, when...do they find the time to blog? A friend told me that I could make money from blogging. At this rate, I think I'd fire myself. So, with all that said, I'm sorry for my hiatus. Life happens...

Two huge milestones occurred within the last 3 weeks in the life of the Ahrens Family. Baby Becca turned 6 months old, and my fiesty princess Jenna turned 3 last Wednesday. And my heart...oh my heart...is aching, contorting, grieving. While this sounds so bleak, I assure you that I am treasuring every moment of my time with my kids. I just can't believe how fast time is flying. I know we all get 24 hours in a day. Time stops for no one. But somehow, I feel like in this season of life, everything is in fast forward, and there's nothing I can do about it.

If that's the case, then I have to relish and treasure every moment that I've been given. I never truly understood what it meant in Luke 2:19 when "Mary treasured up all these things...in her heart" until now. Someone told me when I was pregnant with Joshua that the nights are long, but the days are short. Those words ring true for me! Since our family had been plagued with sickness for almost 2 months, I've had to get up multiple times in the middle of the night to tend to one, and sometimes, all three kids. It's hard to try to keep things in perspective at 3am, but I keep thinking of those words about the long nights and short days.

I think of Jenna, who just turned 3. I wept when I reflected on her short 3 years of life that she's been blessed with so far, because I vaguely remember her being 1 or early 2s! I had to grab the albums and remind myself of what it was like when she was a baby, and what we did together before she was dethroned as the youngest member of the family with the arrival of Becca. (that's why I think it's important to invest the time to create a family album or baby scrapbook...for memories' sake!)

And I wept when I put away Becca's 0-3 month clothes, and just recently, her 3-6 month ones. Because she is our "last", there is a deep sense of loss as I said goodbye to the infant stage. I'm not a hoarder, but I can see how it would be difficult for me to part with something so menial as clothing. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? Or am I the only person who is a weeping, pathetic mess? Since time doesn't care much for the heartache of a mommy, I need to treasure the here and now.

So, how does one treasure the moment? I really don't know. But this is what I choose to do: to accept the reality that time is fleeting. And in this moment with my children, be present. Often times, I close my eyes and try to capture and take a mental image of what's going on (okay, I know that sounds kookie, but it works for me!), and I say a quiet prayer of thanksgiving to God, for the opportunity of this moment, to love and live. And of course, I always keep my camera handy!

I've shared with many friends that I actually didn't mind the middle of the night feedings when my children were babies. While they roll their eyes (cos they're entitled to their own opinion!), I explained that in the quiet of the night, when it's just me and the baby, and soft Baby Praise music is playing in the background, something happens. Something pure, something so perfect, something that transcends current time...I call it my holy moment. I not only connect with my child, I find myself connecting with God. The music helps, and the powerful lyrics speak what is in my heart, and I worship. I worship the One who created me. I worship the One who created this miracle who is my baby. I worship the One who chose to give this particular child to me. I worship the One who trusts me enough to care for one of His own. And in those moments, there is the kind of love that exudes from within. A love for my child. A love for my God. And whispered prayers of gratitude go up to Him. And whispered promises of unconditional love to my Joshua, Jenna, and Becca. I pray over them...prayers of hope and desire that they will come to know the One who loves them infinitely more than Jared and me.

The one song that I LOVE and sing over my children is Hold on to Jesus by Erin O'Donnell. And this song is played and sung every night, as a reminder to them and to me:

You're a little piece of heaven
You're a golden ray of light
And I wish I could protect you from the worries of this life
But if there's one thing I could tell you
It's no matter what you do
Hold to Jesus, cos He's holding on to you.

The world will try to tell you
That might is more than right
That beauty's on the outside
Being good's a losing fight
But remember what I told you
Cos the world will make you choose
Just hold to Jesus
He's holding on to you.

Hold on to Jesus
Cling to His love
Rest deep in His mercy
Whenever things get rough
Don't lose sight of His goodness
And don't ever doubt this truth
That when you hold on to Jesus
He's holding on to you.

Hear me dear Jesus
Rock this little one to sleep
Keep her close when she's scared
And give her grace when she is weak
I know that she'll stumble
But I know she'll make it through
If you hold to her just like
You said You'd do
Hold her Jesus
And she'll hold on tight to You

(Erin O'Donnell, No Place So Far)

So, my nights are now filled with these precious memories. And my days, while hectic, are causing me to pause and be intentional about capturing similar memories to treasure in my heart.

Motherhood is a bittersweet journey. But so worth it! My three cutie-patooties are so worth it!

First Day of Kindergarten

The night before the first day of Kindergarten...

We picked out your clothes...you wanted to wear your new football t-shirt.

We packed your backpack, and placed it by the door...I'm so proud of you for not complaining about not having a new bag, and you are perfectly happy with the Toy Story backpack from last year.

We snuggled into your bed, and read a new book about the night before kindergarten...you were so excited about all the new things that you would learn this year!

And we prayed together...for a good night's sleep and thanked God for the many blessings in our lives, especially for Kindergarten and that it's finally here.

I kissed you good-night as I always do, and as I turned off your light, you said to me "Mommy, I'm growing up! I can't wait to go to Kindergarten tomorrow!"

"Yes, baby! You're going to Kindergarten! And I'm so proud of you!" But as I said those words, I fought back tears, and I felt something squeezing my heart. For I never thought this day would come. Okay, I know it's just Kindergarten...but time is zooming by like the speed of light, and I can barely catch my breath before the next milestone appears. So, on this night before yet another milestone, I want to capture the moment and store it in my heart forever. I feel like this is the first step of me letting go, as if my pinky finger is being pryed open...slowly, but surely, I have to let you go.

But as I let you go, I know that you are not going alone. I pray that you will know that God is with you...and my heart goes with you, too.

So, on the morning of the first day of school, this is what I saw...



But my heart saw this...





And when you sat in the car, I turned and saw this...



But really, this is what I saw...




And when I hugged you goodbye and wished a great first day for you, Daddy took this picture...



But these are the pictures that are etched in my heart...





I love you, Joshua!

You're still my baby

Dear Jenna,

Last night, when I prayed for you before bedtime, I was overcome with overwhelming emotions. As I stroked your hair and face, and prayed the prayer I always pray over you every single day, I realized what a big girl you are now. You are no longer the baby in the family. You are now a big sister with Becca's arrival. But as I knelt by your bed, and my forehead touched yours as I prayed for you, this holy moment will forever be etched in my mind and memory as your little arms reached around my neck and you hugged me and attempted to repeat the words of scripture that I was praying over you. My tears flowed, and I want to remember this moment when I realized that you will ALWAYS be my baby. No matter what.

Jenna, you are such a blessing to me. I love your energy, your spirit, your joy. I wish I could be more like you...just loving life and loving everyone unconditionally. I love your cheeky grin when you know you've done something wrong. But with an innocence that I can't fault you with. You have brought so much joy into my life, and I love you with all my heart.

I feel so bad right now that I'm not spending a lot of time with you. Becca is only 6 days old. But I promise that when I'm physically able to, we are going to spend some quality girl time together.

God brought you into my life for so many reasons, but none other than to show me the inseparable bond between a mother and daughter. All my life, I've longed for a close relationship with my own mother. While I do not have that, I feel that God has given you to me to right what was missing in my life. I promise you that I will be there for you no matter what. I will be by your side during the significant moments and events in your life. I am here for you, anytime, whenever you need me.

I love you, baby girl! Forever and always you will always be my baby!

Joshua's surgery

Dear Joshua,

Late July, you had to have surgery on your umbilical hernia. You were born with a herniated belly button, and through the years, the doctor has kept an eye on it. Because it hasn't really gotten smaller, Dr. Voight thought it was best to get it taken care of before Kindergarten starts, because if you grow up without getting the procedure done, the surgery then would be a lot harder.

Anyway, it was a Friday morning when Daddy and I drove you to Central DuPage Hospital and checked you in. I was really nervous, but didn't want to show it. I wanted to stay strong for you. I know that you are in good hands, but just the thought of you going "under" and going through surgery without me being physically there with you, it all just concerned me. Yes, your mommy is a worry-wart!

But the nurses were so nice! We all went into a hospital room with you, and you put on blue hospital pajamas. You had your own TV and even Bucky had to wear a hospital tag, just like you! The nurses gave you some "juice" to drink, and pretty soon, you were pretending that the remote control was a phone or a gun! Daddy and I prayed for you, and not long after that, the nurses wheeled you away into surgery. I kissed you a million times and told you that I loved you. It was then that I shed my tears for you. The unknown is daunting, especially when it comes to something big like surgery. But I know that God is watching over you, and that you are in His hands. All I can do is pray and trust that everything will be okay.

We thought the surgery would take an hour, but after Daddy and I went down to the cafeteria and got a snack and came back up to the waiting room. You were pretty much done! Dr. Giessler came out to talk to us, and said that you were done and you did well. And that you're in the recovery room.

We went to the room to wait for you. Now, some of your friends who had had surgery were pretty hysterical as they came out of anaethesia. I was prepared for the worse, envisioning you crying and wailing, and pulling your IV off. But when they wheeled you in the room, you were calm and had a smile on your face! I was so relieved!! You did so great, and you were in such good spirits! I was so proud of you!

We spent about a half hour in the recovery room. You had a little snack, and pretty soon, you were able to change back into your own clothes and we were able to go home. For the rest of the day, you were so pleasant and in such a good mood. I think the medication did you good!

I'm learning that I can be a worry-wart about anything, especially the unknown. But time and time again, you've proven yourself to be a wonderful boy (like when we traveled on the airplane for the first time when you were a baby. You were such an angel baby on the plane!). Thank you for showing me that I all I needed to do was trust in God, and to trust in you - the very person that God made you to be. I didn't have to worry or cry, but being a mommy, sometimes I feel overwhelmed and there's only so much I can do to be with you and protect you. And when I can't, I worry.

So, here's hoping that I will learn to trust you and trust God as you enter into Kindergarten in a few weeks!

Again, I'm so proud of you and so proud of the boy you're becoming! My brave and wonderful boy!