Capturing Memories

I wrote this blog entry in For Such A Time As This...

(I dedicate this blog entry to all the moms who are going through a similar grieving process as their children are reaching milestones way quicker than the parents anticipated, especially with their last and final baby!)

I really don't know how some mommy bloggers do it. How, where, when...do they find the time to blog? A friend told me that I could make money from blogging. At this rate, I think I'd fire myself. So, with all that said, I'm sorry for my hiatus. Life happens...

Two huge milestones occurred within the last 3 weeks in the life of the Ahrens Family. Baby Becca turned 6 months old, and my fiesty princess Jenna turned 3 last Wednesday. And my heart...oh my heart...is aching, contorting, grieving. While this sounds so bleak, I assure you that I am treasuring every moment of my time with my kids. I just can't believe how fast time is flying. I know we all get 24 hours in a day. Time stops for no one. But somehow, I feel like in this season of life, everything is in fast forward, and there's nothing I can do about it.

If that's the case, then I have to relish and treasure every moment that I've been given. I never truly understood what it meant in Luke 2:19 when "Mary treasured up all these things...in her heart" until now. Someone told me when I was pregnant with Joshua that the nights are long, but the days are short. Those words ring true for me! Since our family had been plagued with sickness for almost 2 months, I've had to get up multiple times in the middle of the night to tend to one, and sometimes, all three kids. It's hard to try to keep things in perspective at 3am, but I keep thinking of those words about the long nights and short days.

I think of Jenna, who just turned 3. I wept when I reflected on her short 3 years of life that she's been blessed with so far, because I vaguely remember her being 1 or early 2s! I had to grab the albums and remind myself of what it was like when she was a baby, and what we did together before she was dethroned as the youngest member of the family with the arrival of Becca. (that's why I think it's important to invest the time to create a family album or baby scrapbook...for memories' sake!)

And I wept when I put away Becca's 0-3 month clothes, and just recently, her 3-6 month ones. Because she is our "last", there is a deep sense of loss as I said goodbye to the infant stage. I'm not a hoarder, but I can see how it would be difficult for me to part with something so menial as clothing. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? Or am I the only person who is a weeping, pathetic mess? Since time doesn't care much for the heartache of a mommy, I need to treasure the here and now.

So, how does one treasure the moment? I really don't know. But this is what I choose to do: to accept the reality that time is fleeting. And in this moment with my children, be present. Often times, I close my eyes and try to capture and take a mental image of what's going on (okay, I know that sounds kookie, but it works for me!), and I say a quiet prayer of thanksgiving to God, for the opportunity of this moment, to love and live. And of course, I always keep my camera handy!

I've shared with many friends that I actually didn't mind the middle of the night feedings when my children were babies. While they roll their eyes (cos they're entitled to their own opinion!), I explained that in the quiet of the night, when it's just me and the baby, and soft Baby Praise music is playing in the background, something happens. Something pure, something so perfect, something that transcends current time...I call it my holy moment. I not only connect with my child, I find myself connecting with God. The music helps, and the powerful lyrics speak what is in my heart, and I worship. I worship the One who created me. I worship the One who created this miracle who is my baby. I worship the One who chose to give this particular child to me. I worship the One who trusts me enough to care for one of His own. And in those moments, there is the kind of love that exudes from within. A love for my child. A love for my God. And whispered prayers of gratitude go up to Him. And whispered promises of unconditional love to my Joshua, Jenna, and Becca. I pray over them...prayers of hope and desire that they will come to know the One who loves them infinitely more than Jared and me.

The one song that I LOVE and sing over my children is Hold on to Jesus by Erin O'Donnell. And this song is played and sung every night, as a reminder to them and to me:

You're a little piece of heaven
You're a golden ray of light
And I wish I could protect you from the worries of this life
But if there's one thing I could tell you
It's no matter what you do
Hold to Jesus, cos He's holding on to you.

The world will try to tell you
That might is more than right
That beauty's on the outside
Being good's a losing fight
But remember what I told you
Cos the world will make you choose
Just hold to Jesus
He's holding on to you.

Hold on to Jesus
Cling to His love
Rest deep in His mercy
Whenever things get rough
Don't lose sight of His goodness
And don't ever doubt this truth
That when you hold on to Jesus
He's holding on to you.

Hear me dear Jesus
Rock this little one to sleep
Keep her close when she's scared
And give her grace when she is weak
I know that she'll stumble
But I know she'll make it through
If you hold to her just like
You said You'd do
Hold her Jesus
And she'll hold on tight to You

(Erin O'Donnell, No Place So Far)

So, my nights are now filled with these precious memories. And my days, while hectic, are causing me to pause and be intentional about capturing similar memories to treasure in my heart.

Motherhood is a bittersweet journey. But so worth it! My three cutie-patooties are so worth it!

First Day of Kindergarten

The night before the first day of Kindergarten...

We picked out your clothes...you wanted to wear your new football t-shirt.

We packed your backpack, and placed it by the door...I'm so proud of you for not complaining about not having a new bag, and you are perfectly happy with the Toy Story backpack from last year.

We snuggled into your bed, and read a new book about the night before kindergarten...you were so excited about all the new things that you would learn this year!

And we prayed together...for a good night's sleep and thanked God for the many blessings in our lives, especially for Kindergarten and that it's finally here.

I kissed you good-night as I always do, and as I turned off your light, you said to me "Mommy, I'm growing up! I can't wait to go to Kindergarten tomorrow!"

"Yes, baby! You're going to Kindergarten! And I'm so proud of you!" But as I said those words, I fought back tears, and I felt something squeezing my heart. For I never thought this day would come. Okay, I know it's just Kindergarten...but time is zooming by like the speed of light, and I can barely catch my breath before the next milestone appears. So, on this night before yet another milestone, I want to capture the moment and store it in my heart forever. I feel like this is the first step of me letting go, as if my pinky finger is being pryed open...slowly, but surely, I have to let you go.

But as I let you go, I know that you are not going alone. I pray that you will know that God is with you...and my heart goes with you, too.

So, on the morning of the first day of school, this is what I saw...



But my heart saw this...





And when you sat in the car, I turned and saw this...



But really, this is what I saw...




And when I hugged you goodbye and wished a great first day for you, Daddy took this picture...



But these are the pictures that are etched in my heart...





I love you, Joshua!

You're still my baby

Dear Jenna,

Last night, when I prayed for you before bedtime, I was overcome with overwhelming emotions. As I stroked your hair and face, and prayed the prayer I always pray over you every single day, I realized what a big girl you are now. You are no longer the baby in the family. You are now a big sister with Becca's arrival. But as I knelt by your bed, and my forehead touched yours as I prayed for you, this holy moment will forever be etched in my mind and memory as your little arms reached around my neck and you hugged me and attempted to repeat the words of scripture that I was praying over you. My tears flowed, and I want to remember this moment when I realized that you will ALWAYS be my baby. No matter what.

Jenna, you are such a blessing to me. I love your energy, your spirit, your joy. I wish I could be more like you...just loving life and loving everyone unconditionally. I love your cheeky grin when you know you've done something wrong. But with an innocence that I can't fault you with. You have brought so much joy into my life, and I love you with all my heart.

I feel so bad right now that I'm not spending a lot of time with you. Becca is only 6 days old. But I promise that when I'm physically able to, we are going to spend some quality girl time together.

God brought you into my life for so many reasons, but none other than to show me the inseparable bond between a mother and daughter. All my life, I've longed for a close relationship with my own mother. While I do not have that, I feel that God has given you to me to right what was missing in my life. I promise you that I will be there for you no matter what. I will be by your side during the significant moments and events in your life. I am here for you, anytime, whenever you need me.

I love you, baby girl! Forever and always you will always be my baby!

Joshua's surgery

Dear Joshua,

Late July, you had to have surgery on your umbilical hernia. You were born with a herniated belly button, and through the years, the doctor has kept an eye on it. Because it hasn't really gotten smaller, Dr. Voight thought it was best to get it taken care of before Kindergarten starts, because if you grow up without getting the procedure done, the surgery then would be a lot harder.

Anyway, it was a Friday morning when Daddy and I drove you to Central DuPage Hospital and checked you in. I was really nervous, but didn't want to show it. I wanted to stay strong for you. I know that you are in good hands, but just the thought of you going "under" and going through surgery without me being physically there with you, it all just concerned me. Yes, your mommy is a worry-wart!

But the nurses were so nice! We all went into a hospital room with you, and you put on blue hospital pajamas. You had your own TV and even Bucky had to wear a hospital tag, just like you! The nurses gave you some "juice" to drink, and pretty soon, you were pretending that the remote control was a phone or a gun! Daddy and I prayed for you, and not long after that, the nurses wheeled you away into surgery. I kissed you a million times and told you that I loved you. It was then that I shed my tears for you. The unknown is daunting, especially when it comes to something big like surgery. But I know that God is watching over you, and that you are in His hands. All I can do is pray and trust that everything will be okay.

We thought the surgery would take an hour, but after Daddy and I went down to the cafeteria and got a snack and came back up to the waiting room. You were pretty much done! Dr. Giessler came out to talk to us, and said that you were done and you did well. And that you're in the recovery room.

We went to the room to wait for you. Now, some of your friends who had had surgery were pretty hysterical as they came out of anaethesia. I was prepared for the worse, envisioning you crying and wailing, and pulling your IV off. But when they wheeled you in the room, you were calm and had a smile on your face! I was so relieved!! You did so great, and you were in such good spirits! I was so proud of you!

We spent about a half hour in the recovery room. You had a little snack, and pretty soon, you were able to change back into your own clothes and we were able to go home. For the rest of the day, you were so pleasant and in such a good mood. I think the medication did you good!

I'm learning that I can be a worry-wart about anything, especially the unknown. But time and time again, you've proven yourself to be a wonderful boy (like when we traveled on the airplane for the first time when you were a baby. You were such an angel baby on the plane!). Thank you for showing me that I all I needed to do was trust in God, and to trust in you - the very person that God made you to be. I didn't have to worry or cry, but being a mommy, sometimes I feel overwhelmed and there's only so much I can do to be with you and protect you. And when I can't, I worry.

So, here's hoping that I will learn to trust you and trust God as you enter into Kindergarten in a few weeks!

Again, I'm so proud of you and so proud of the boy you're becoming! My brave and wonderful boy!

Kindergarten Registration

Dear Joshua,

Daddy and I went to the Open Enrollment Fair this past Wednesday night to check out potential schools that we would like you to go to for Kindergarten. We narrowed it down to Lincoln Prairie, Hoover, Campanelli, and MacArthur (in order of preference). We were there last year, too - just checking things out and seeing what schools were in our district. I remember saying to myself, "I don't have to worry about this for another year."

Well, the year has come and gone, and we are in the process of applying to these 4 schools and praying that you'll be accepted into one of these (it's weird, but something tells me this is going to be like college applications!). We actually submitted one application that very night - to Campanelli. They have a good Chinese Immersion Program. We liked the principal, and were able to talk to him at length. Ultimately, we'd like you to go to Lincoln Prairie. But we know that God is in control, and He will have you where He wants you to be.

So, yesterday, the day after the Fair, I was sitting on the couch while you and Jenna were napping, and I was just looking at the picture of the two of you on the opposite wall, above the TV. Something inside of me just overwhelmed me, and I started to cry. I can't believe that my little baby boy is going off to Kindergarten! You are growing, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I don't know why, but I'm just not ready to let you go.

When you're old enough to read this, you'll probably be thinking, "Oh, mom! Stop!"

But I think that I'm suppose to go through these emotions. I need to do so, so that I can grieve the end of this season well, treasure the wonderful memories, and start to move on.

Just today (and we stayed home and had a Pajama Day!), I was playing with you and Jenna, and lifting you both up and swinging you around, and just having a jolly good time. I never want to forget these moments of play with you. I know that there will come a day where I can't pick you up and swing you around anymore. So, I will relish every opportunity I can get to play and goof around with you.

So, my tears for you are those of gratitude, for loving me and letting me love you in all our goofiness! And for an impending end of your "baby years", as you start Kindergarten this Fall.

I'm so proud of you, and the boy that you're growing up to be!

And I guess I'm extra emotional because I'm pregnant with your baby brother or sister!!

Happy New Year!

Dear Josh & Jenna,

This is the first day of the new year - 1/1/11. And I am filled with gratitude for the both of you. I can't believe the year has flown by, and it was only last year that we were all in Australia for Christmas and the new year. Even though 2010 was a rough year for our family, in terms of all the transitions, you both did a splendid job adapting and excepting everything that came our way. Your resilence and "joy through the midst" were strengths that encouraged me and taught me child-like faith. Thank you for being my teachers through this season.

Joshua, I am so proud of you, and you capped this year off perfectly by professing your love for Jesus. I will always remember the few days before Christmas when you said to me, "You know what, Mommy? I love Jesus! And you know what else? Jesus is in my heart!".

Words cannot express how I felt after hearing those words. So, my tears did. Happy, joyous, grateful, Hallelujah tears!!

I pray that you will come to know the true meaning of your words, Joshua. That you will know Jesus in a personal and powerful way. That indeed, you will experience Him in your life, and that He will be your very best friend.

We have so much to learn together, about our great God, who loves us and gave Himself for us. Will you be my teacher? To remind me to have a child-like faith? To always be aware that God is with me and for me?

I love you, Joshua! And I'm so glad that you know that Jesus loves you and is in your heart!