Yesterday was a day of unspeakable darkness and pain in our country's history. In the small town of Newport, CT, there was a school shooting and 20 children, mostly Kindergarteners, lost their lives. When I heard the news on the KLOVE radio (and I was in the midst of baking Christmas brownies!), I was shocked and ran to turn the TV on. As I watched and listen to the story unfold, my heart broke into pieces and I just sobbed. I know that these aren't my children, but they are children. And they were in Kindergarten. I heard that a first grade teacher died too, and that hit home with me as well. I quickly recollected the moment in my classroom when I taught in Oswego - when we were doing a Code Red drill with my class, and I remember one student asking me what I would do. And without even flinching, I said that I would protect them with my life. And in that moment, I knew that I would willingly give my life to these children, children who aren't even my own.
Then God blessed me with all 3 of you. How I feel about you is a thousand times more than how I felt about my students! Of course I would lay down my life for you. I would do everything in my power to protect you.
But no matter how much I will try to protect you, your first day of even preschool is the first day of letting you go. I trust that I will see you again, I trust that you are going to a safe place that is school, but most importantly, I'm trusting that our great God is watching over you and protecting you. And that is all I can do...trust. And I pray that nothing tragic will ever happen to you. If circumstances should present itself, and the unthinkable should happen, I really don't know what I would do. But ultimately, I need to trust again. Trust that our God is sovereign, and that He's our healer, comforter, and our pillar of strength in times of need.
So yesterday, I wanted to go to school and bring you, Joshua, home early. All I wanted to do was to see you and hold you and tell you that I love you. But I couldn't do that because Becca was napping and there would be no one to watch the girls. I waited for you by the front door, and kept looking to see if Lucas' car was there. I waited, what seemed like, forever! It was past 3:30pm, and even though I knew you were in good hands, I was getting anxious. I just wanted to see you! And finally you came, and I ran out to you and gave you the biggest and longest hugs. You probably thought I'd lost it! :)
And Jenna, that afternoon, I just hugged you so tight. And you kept asking me, "Are you okay, Mommy?" because I was crying. I felt so grateful to have you safe in our home, my beautiful, precious, little girl!
As parents, we want to minimize any pain that you'll feel, take away anything that will be harmful, and try to be a buffer for any traumatizing experiences. But at times, things just happen, and we can't be there to do what we desire to do, to protect you. But know that we will ALWAYS be there for you to help you through whatever circumstances you're going through, loving you, praying for you, and helping you get through it. We'll turn to God for strength and comfort. We are family, and we stick together through thick and thin.
I love you so much that my heart could burst! May you always know that!
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