Yesterday was a day of unspeakable darkness and pain in our country's history. In the small town of Newport, CT, there was a school shooting and 20 children, mostly Kindergarteners, lost their lives. When I heard the news on the KLOVE radio (and I was in the midst of baking Christmas brownies!), I was shocked and ran to turn the TV on. As I watched and listen to the story unfold, my heart broke into pieces and I just sobbed. I know that these aren't my children, but they are children. And they were in Kindergarten. I heard that a first grade teacher died too, and that hit home with me as well. I quickly recollected the moment in my classroom when I taught in Oswego - when we were doing a Code Red drill with my class, and I remember one student asking me what I would do. And without even flinching, I said that I would protect them with my life. And in that moment, I knew that I would willingly give my life to these children, children who aren't even my own.
Then God blessed me with all 3 of you. How I feel about you is a thousand times more than how I felt about my students! Of course I would lay down my life for you. I would do everything in my power to protect you.
But no matter how much I will try to protect you, your first day of even preschool is the first day of letting you go. I trust that I will see you again, I trust that you are going to a safe place that is school, but most importantly, I'm trusting that our great God is watching over you and protecting you. And that is all I can do...trust. And I pray that nothing tragic will ever happen to you. If circumstances should present itself, and the unthinkable should happen, I really don't know what I would do. But ultimately, I need to trust again. Trust that our God is sovereign, and that He's our healer, comforter, and our pillar of strength in times of need.
So yesterday, I wanted to go to school and bring you, Joshua, home early. All I wanted to do was to see you and hold you and tell you that I love you. But I couldn't do that because Becca was napping and there would be no one to watch the girls. I waited for you by the front door, and kept looking to see if Lucas' car was there. I waited, what seemed like, forever! It was past 3:30pm, and even though I knew you were in good hands, I was getting anxious. I just wanted to see you! And finally you came, and I ran out to you and gave you the biggest and longest hugs. You probably thought I'd lost it! :)
And Jenna, that afternoon, I just hugged you so tight. And you kept asking me, "Are you okay, Mommy?" because I was crying. I felt so grateful to have you safe in our home, my beautiful, precious, little girl!
As parents, we want to minimize any pain that you'll feel, take away anything that will be harmful, and try to be a buffer for any traumatizing experiences. But at times, things just happen, and we can't be there to do what we desire to do, to protect you. But know that we will ALWAYS be there for you to help you through whatever circumstances you're going through, loving you, praying for you, and helping you get through it. We'll turn to God for strength and comfort. We are family, and we stick together through thick and thin.
I love you so much that my heart could burst! May you always know that!
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Saturday, September 15, 2012
First Day of Preschool
Dear Jenna,
I can't believe the day has come - your first day of preschool! You have been so excited, and have been waiting so long to "go to school", just like your big brother. Ever since Joshua started going back to school, you've been wanting to put on your backpack and go too. Well, the day has come, and it's your turn baby girl!
So, on Thursday, September 13th, you had your first day of preschool at Conant High School! You were so cute in your brand new owl outfit, and your ladybug backpack!
Before Joshua went to school, we took some pictures of you and him.
And before we had to go to Conant, I took you to Chick-Fil-A for a traditional back-to-school breakfast! We had fun just hanging out together, and you kept asking me if we're going to school yet.
At 10am, we drove to Conant, and as we pulled up, we saw Aaron Shogren and his mommy. I'm so glad that you have a good buddy to go to school with. You both look so cute, and so ready to go to preschool.
Very soon, you walked into the classroom, you put your backpack in the cubbie that had your name on it, and you started playing with the other kids and with the high school "teachers".
We chose this program for you because of this - that you would have your own "teacher" to help you along the way. You've not participated in many classes at the park district or anything formal. So, this is all new to you. But I believe that you will thrive in this program, and learn a lot, both academically and socially.
As I watched you play, with your new friends and by yourself, I can't help but fight back the tears as I realized how big you've gotten. You're no longer a baby, but a big girl. You've become so independent, and sometimes you don't even want me around. I know that God has blessed you with a spirited nature, wonderful spunkiness, a sense of adventure and fearlessness. These are all excellent traits. I want God to bless me with the ability to let you go...not too quickly, though. I have a feeling that you'll be the first one out of your siblings to "take flight". And while I want you to be the person whom God has called you to be, I know that I will have a hard time letting you go.
And today is the first day of doing just that...letting go. Sometimes I feel like you've already gone. But it comforts my aching heart when you turn around, give me a little wave and smile your precious smile. Because that tells me that you're making sure that I'm still close-by, and still able to watch over you. And I will. I will be there for you, whenever you need me.
I can't believe the day has come - your first day of preschool! You have been so excited, and have been waiting so long to "go to school", just like your big brother. Ever since Joshua started going back to school, you've been wanting to put on your backpack and go too. Well, the day has come, and it's your turn baby girl!
So, on Thursday, September 13th, you had your first day of preschool at Conant High School! You were so cute in your brand new owl outfit, and your ladybug backpack!
Before Joshua went to school, we took some pictures of you and him.
And before we had to go to Conant, I took you to Chick-Fil-A for a traditional back-to-school breakfast! We had fun just hanging out together, and you kept asking me if we're going to school yet.
At 10am, we drove to Conant, and as we pulled up, we saw Aaron Shogren and his mommy. I'm so glad that you have a good buddy to go to school with. You both look so cute, and so ready to go to preschool.
Very soon, you walked into the classroom, you put your backpack in the cubbie that had your name on it, and you started playing with the other kids and with the high school "teachers".
We chose this program for you because of this - that you would have your own "teacher" to help you along the way. You've not participated in many classes at the park district or anything formal. So, this is all new to you. But I believe that you will thrive in this program, and learn a lot, both academically and socially.
As I watched you play, with your new friends and by yourself, I can't help but fight back the tears as I realized how big you've gotten. You're no longer a baby, but a big girl. You've become so independent, and sometimes you don't even want me around. I know that God has blessed you with a spirited nature, wonderful spunkiness, a sense of adventure and fearlessness. These are all excellent traits. I want God to bless me with the ability to let you go...not too quickly, though. I have a feeling that you'll be the first one out of your siblings to "take flight". And while I want you to be the person whom God has called you to be, I know that I will have a hard time letting you go.
And today is the first day of doing just that...letting go. Sometimes I feel like you've already gone. But it comforts my aching heart when you turn around, give me a little wave and smile your precious smile. Because that tells me that you're making sure that I'm still close-by, and still able to watch over you. And I will. I will be there for you, whenever you need me.
I love you, Jenna!
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Joshua's Salvation Story
Today, July 16th, is a day that I will never forget and
will forever be etched in my heart. It's one of the best days of my life,
and for Joshua as well. He made the most important decision of his life, and I
am so blessed, honored, and priviledged to be a part of it!
As parents, it is Jared and my hearts' desire that our children will come to know the Lord and make Him first in their lives. There's nothing more important than that - not academic excellence, nor athletic prowess, but a sensitivity to the Holy Spirit with a desire to love the one true God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. I can't tell you the sheer delight and utmost joy when your child tells you that he wants to ask Jesus to live in his heart. And that's exactly what Joshua did today!
We were driving to, coincidentally, the first day of Vacation Bible School this morning. I had put in the VBS CD which we received at our church retreat a couple of weeks ago. One of the sweetest sounds to my ear is to hear my children singing along to worship music. It so happened that one of the songs on the CD is a rendition of Chris Tomlin's Indescribable.
When the phrase "You are amazing, God!" was sung, Joshua cried out, "God IS amazing!". And he continued to exclaim how much he loves Jesus and that he can't wait to see God and see heaven. I love it when Joshua starts talking and getting excited about Jesus. A lot of his questions, while valid, are difficult to give age-appropriate answers to where a 6-year-old can understand (that is why I'm so glad I married a pastor! I default all exegetical and theological questions to Jared!).
In the midst of our conversation, Joshua asked if Jesus was in his heart. And I said that he had to ask Jesus to come into his heart, and I asked him if he wanted to do that. Immediately, without a flinch, Joshua said "YES!". I explained that this is the most important decision in his life, "Daddy made his decision when he was young, and mommy made her decision when I was 12. Now you have to make your own decision."
Me: Do you know what it means to have Jesus in your heart?
Josh: It means that Jesus will take away my sins.
Me: And what is sin? (at this point, I just wanted to make sure he understood the basics! I was driving and couldn't really draw the bridge diagram!)
Josh: It's when we don't listen to God.
We continued talking a little bit more about sin and what happens when we continue to sin even after Jesus is in our hearts. And in his cute 6-year-old rationale, Joshua said that God forgives us, and it just means that He doesn't give us time-outs or strikes! He was really excited about that! (I think I'll need to have a conversation with him about consequences of his actions and ownership at a later date!)
After I felt like Joshua understood what it meant to receive Christ (his theology may not be as sophisticated as us grown-ups, but I felt like he got it. But what gave me peace was that he truly LOVES Jesus and is not ashamed about it, and he KNOWS that Jesus loves him "in the whole wide world!" and "to infinity and beyond!"), I asked him if he wanted to pray the prayer right now. And again, he said "YES!".
An appointment with heaven was about to occur. I didn't care where we were or where we were going, I had to grab this opportunity right now. His eager little heart is ready, and I can just picture Jesus kneeling down, arms open wide, ready for Joshua to run into His arms.
So, I pulled into a parking lot by McDonald's on Higgins Road, and found a spot under a tree. I got out of my driver's seat and went back to where Joshua was sitting. I knelt down, held his little hands, and looked into his big brown eyes. I asked him if he was ready to pray to Jesus. With a sparkle in his eyes, he said "Yes!". So, I had him repeat the prayer after me. I almost couldn't get through it because I was so choked up. But we did. And my Joshua gave his heart to his true Father. What a glorious day!
As we prayed, I can imagine the angels and all the heavenly hosts rejoicing, dancing, and singing! I can picture the angels chanting "Josh-ua! Josh-ua! Josh-ua!". There's something special and unique when a child gives his or her heart to Christ. Oh, the celebration in heaven! I can only imagine! And Jesus did say "Let the children come!"
And as a mom, I had the joy, priviledge, and honor to be the one who got to pray the prayer with my child; to be the one who led him to the feet of Jesus, and presented him, like Hannah did with Samuel. But the greatest joy is knowing that Joshua made the best decision of his life. And I rest in the knowledge that Joshua will be worshipping with me in heaven some day!
Holy moments take place all the time in our minivan. We have the best conversations and the best worship sessions. But holy moments can take place anywhere. I believe that we just have to look for the opportunities, teachable moments, and ultimately, promptings of the Holy Spirit, to have those conversations and moments with our kids.
May you be blessed by Joshua's salvation story. By the way, he's always asking if heaven is bigger than BJ Raji. He's going to be blown away by how big heaven truly is!
But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” Luke 18:14-18
As parents, it is Jared and my hearts' desire that our children will come to know the Lord and make Him first in their lives. There's nothing more important than that - not academic excellence, nor athletic prowess, but a sensitivity to the Holy Spirit with a desire to love the one true God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. I can't tell you the sheer delight and utmost joy when your child tells you that he wants to ask Jesus to live in his heart. And that's exactly what Joshua did today!
We were driving to, coincidentally, the first day of Vacation Bible School this morning. I had put in the VBS CD which we received at our church retreat a couple of weeks ago. One of the sweetest sounds to my ear is to hear my children singing along to worship music. It so happened that one of the songs on the CD is a rendition of Chris Tomlin's Indescribable.
When the phrase "You are amazing, God!" was sung, Joshua cried out, "God IS amazing!". And he continued to exclaim how much he loves Jesus and that he can't wait to see God and see heaven. I love it when Joshua starts talking and getting excited about Jesus. A lot of his questions, while valid, are difficult to give age-appropriate answers to where a 6-year-old can understand (that is why I'm so glad I married a pastor! I default all exegetical and theological questions to Jared!).
In the midst of our conversation, Joshua asked if Jesus was in his heart. And I said that he had to ask Jesus to come into his heart, and I asked him if he wanted to do that. Immediately, without a flinch, Joshua said "YES!". I explained that this is the most important decision in his life, "Daddy made his decision when he was young, and mommy made her decision when I was 12. Now you have to make your own decision."
Me: Do you know what it means to have Jesus in your heart?
Josh: It means that Jesus will take away my sins.
Me: And what is sin? (at this point, I just wanted to make sure he understood the basics! I was driving and couldn't really draw the bridge diagram!)
Josh: It's when we don't listen to God.
We continued talking a little bit more about sin and what happens when we continue to sin even after Jesus is in our hearts. And in his cute 6-year-old rationale, Joshua said that God forgives us, and it just means that He doesn't give us time-outs or strikes! He was really excited about that! (I think I'll need to have a conversation with him about consequences of his actions and ownership at a later date!)
After I felt like Joshua understood what it meant to receive Christ (his theology may not be as sophisticated as us grown-ups, but I felt like he got it. But what gave me peace was that he truly LOVES Jesus and is not ashamed about it, and he KNOWS that Jesus loves him "in the whole wide world!" and "to infinity and beyond!"), I asked him if he wanted to pray the prayer right now. And again, he said "YES!".
An appointment with heaven was about to occur. I didn't care where we were or where we were going, I had to grab this opportunity right now. His eager little heart is ready, and I can just picture Jesus kneeling down, arms open wide, ready for Joshua to run into His arms.
So, I pulled into a parking lot by McDonald's on Higgins Road, and found a spot under a tree. I got out of my driver's seat and went back to where Joshua was sitting. I knelt down, held his little hands, and looked into his big brown eyes. I asked him if he was ready to pray to Jesus. With a sparkle in his eyes, he said "Yes!". So, I had him repeat the prayer after me. I almost couldn't get through it because I was so choked up. But we did. And my Joshua gave his heart to his true Father. What a glorious day!
As we prayed, I can imagine the angels and all the heavenly hosts rejoicing, dancing, and singing! I can picture the angels chanting "Josh-ua! Josh-ua! Josh-ua!". There's something special and unique when a child gives his or her heart to Christ. Oh, the celebration in heaven! I can only imagine! And Jesus did say "Let the children come!"
And as a mom, I had the joy, priviledge, and honor to be the one who got to pray the prayer with my child; to be the one who led him to the feet of Jesus, and presented him, like Hannah did with Samuel. But the greatest joy is knowing that Joshua made the best decision of his life. And I rest in the knowledge that Joshua will be worshipping with me in heaven some day!
Holy moments take place all the time in our minivan. We have the best conversations and the best worship sessions. But holy moments can take place anywhere. I believe that we just have to look for the opportunities, teachable moments, and ultimately, promptings of the Holy Spirit, to have those conversations and moments with our kids.
May you be blessed by Joshua's salvation story. By the way, he's always asking if heaven is bigger than BJ Raji. He's going to be blown away by how big heaven truly is!
But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” Luke 18:14-18
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Capturing Memories
I wrote this blog entry in For Such A Time As This...
(I dedicate this blog entry to all the moms who are going through a similar grieving process as their children are reaching milestones way quicker than the parents anticipated, especially with their last and final baby!)
I really don't know how some mommy bloggers do it. How, where, when...do they find the time to blog? A friend told me that I could make money from blogging. At this rate, I think I'd fire myself. So, with all that said, I'm sorry for my hiatus. Life happens...
Two huge milestones occurred within the last 3 weeks in the life of the Ahrens Family. Baby Becca turned 6 months old, and my fiesty princess Jenna turned 3 last Wednesday. And my heart...oh my heart...is aching, contorting, grieving. While this sounds so bleak, I assure you that I am treasuring every moment of my time with my kids. I just can't believe how fast time is flying. I know we all get 24 hours in a day. Time stops for no one. But somehow, I feel like in this season of life, everything is in fast forward, and there's nothing I can do about it.
If that's the case, then I have to relish and treasure every moment that I've been given. I never truly understood what it meant in Luke 2:19 when "Mary treasured up all these things...in her heart" until now. Someone told me when I was pregnant with Joshua that the nights are long, but the days are short. Those words ring true for me! Since our family had been plagued with sickness for almost 2 months, I've had to get up multiple times in the middle of the night to tend to one, and sometimes, all three kids. It's hard to try to keep things in perspective at 3am, but I keep thinking of those words about the long nights and short days.
I think of Jenna, who just turned 3. I wept when I reflected on her short 3 years of life that she's been blessed with so far, because I vaguely remember her being 1 or early 2s! I had to grab the albums and remind myself of what it was like when she was a baby, and what we did together before she was dethroned as the youngest member of the family with the arrival of Becca. (that's why I think it's important to invest the time to create a family album or baby scrapbook...for memories' sake!)
And I wept when I put away Becca's 0-3 month clothes, and just recently, her 3-6 month ones. Because she is our "last", there is a deep sense of loss as I said goodbye to the infant stage. I'm not a hoarder, but I can see how it would be difficult for me to part with something so menial as clothing. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? Or am I the only person who is a weeping, pathetic mess? Since time doesn't care much for the heartache of a mommy, I need to treasure the here and now.
So, how does one treasure the moment? I really don't know. But this is what I choose to do: to accept the reality that time is fleeting. And in this moment with my children, be present. Often times, I close my eyes and try to capture and take a mental image of what's going on (okay, I know that sounds kookie, but it works for me!), and I say a quiet prayer of thanksgiving to God, for the opportunity of this moment, to love and live. And of course, I always keep my camera handy!
I've shared with many friends that I actually didn't mind the middle of the night feedings when my children were babies. While they roll their eyes (cos they're entitled to their own opinion!), I explained that in the quiet of the night, when it's just me and the baby, and soft Baby Praise music is playing in the background, something happens. Something pure, something so perfect, something that transcends current time...I call it my holy moment. I not only connect with my child, I find myself connecting with God. The music helps, and the powerful lyrics speak what is in my heart, and I worship. I worship the One who created me. I worship the One who created this miracle who is my baby. I worship the One who chose to give this particular child to me. I worship the One who trusts me enough to care for one of His own. And in those moments, there is the kind of love that exudes from within. A love for my child. A love for my God. And whispered prayers of gratitude go up to Him. And whispered promises of unconditional love to my Joshua, Jenna, and Becca. I pray over them...prayers of hope and desire that they will come to know the One who loves them infinitely more than Jared and me.
The one song that I LOVE and sing over my children is Hold on to Jesus by Erin O'Donnell. And this song is played and sung every night, as a reminder to them and to me:
You're a little piece of heaven
You're a golden ray of light
And I wish I could protect you from the worries of this life
But if there's one thing I could tell you
It's no matter what you do
Hold to Jesus, cos He's holding on to you.
The world will try to tell you
That might is more than right
That beauty's on the outside
Being good's a losing fight
But remember what I told you
Cos the world will make you choose
Just hold to Jesus
He's holding on to you.
Hold on to Jesus
Cling to His love
Rest deep in His mercy
Whenever things get rough
Don't lose sight of His goodness
And don't ever doubt this truth
That when you hold on to Jesus
He's holding on to you.
Hear me dear Jesus
Rock this little one to sleep
Keep her close when she's scared
And give her grace when she is weak
I know that she'll stumble
But I know she'll make it through
If you hold to her just like
You said You'd do
Hold her Jesus
And she'll hold on tight to You
(Erin O'Donnell, No Place So Far)
So, my nights are now filled with these precious memories. And my days, while hectic, are causing me to pause and be intentional about capturing similar memories to treasure in my heart.
Motherhood is a bittersweet journey. But so worth it! My three cutie-patooties are so worth it!
(I dedicate this blog entry to all the moms who are going through a similar grieving process as their children are reaching milestones way quicker than the parents anticipated, especially with their last and final baby!)
I really don't know how some mommy bloggers do it. How, where, when...do they find the time to blog? A friend told me that I could make money from blogging. At this rate, I think I'd fire myself. So, with all that said, I'm sorry for my hiatus. Life happens...
Two huge milestones occurred within the last 3 weeks in the life of the Ahrens Family. Baby Becca turned 6 months old, and my fiesty princess Jenna turned 3 last Wednesday. And my heart...oh my heart...is aching, contorting, grieving. While this sounds so bleak, I assure you that I am treasuring every moment of my time with my kids. I just can't believe how fast time is flying. I know we all get 24 hours in a day. Time stops for no one. But somehow, I feel like in this season of life, everything is in fast forward, and there's nothing I can do about it.
If that's the case, then I have to relish and treasure every moment that I've been given. I never truly understood what it meant in Luke 2:19 when "Mary treasured up all these things...in her heart" until now. Someone told me when I was pregnant with Joshua that the nights are long, but the days are short. Those words ring true for me! Since our family had been plagued with sickness for almost 2 months, I've had to get up multiple times in the middle of the night to tend to one, and sometimes, all three kids. It's hard to try to keep things in perspective at 3am, but I keep thinking of those words about the long nights and short days.
I think of Jenna, who just turned 3. I wept when I reflected on her short 3 years of life that she's been blessed with so far, because I vaguely remember her being 1 or early 2s! I had to grab the albums and remind myself of what it was like when she was a baby, and what we did together before she was dethroned as the youngest member of the family with the arrival of Becca. (that's why I think it's important to invest the time to create a family album or baby scrapbook...for memories' sake!)
And I wept when I put away Becca's 0-3 month clothes, and just recently, her 3-6 month ones. Because she is our "last", there is a deep sense of loss as I said goodbye to the infant stage. I'm not a hoarder, but I can see how it would be difficult for me to part with something so menial as clothing. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? Or am I the only person who is a weeping, pathetic mess? Since time doesn't care much for the heartache of a mommy, I need to treasure the here and now.
So, how does one treasure the moment? I really don't know. But this is what I choose to do: to accept the reality that time is fleeting. And in this moment with my children, be present. Often times, I close my eyes and try to capture and take a mental image of what's going on (okay, I know that sounds kookie, but it works for me!), and I say a quiet prayer of thanksgiving to God, for the opportunity of this moment, to love and live. And of course, I always keep my camera handy!
I've shared with many friends that I actually didn't mind the middle of the night feedings when my children were babies. While they roll their eyes (cos they're entitled to their own opinion!), I explained that in the quiet of the night, when it's just me and the baby, and soft Baby Praise music is playing in the background, something happens. Something pure, something so perfect, something that transcends current time...I call it my holy moment. I not only connect with my child, I find myself connecting with God. The music helps, and the powerful lyrics speak what is in my heart, and I worship. I worship the One who created me. I worship the One who created this miracle who is my baby. I worship the One who chose to give this particular child to me. I worship the One who trusts me enough to care for one of His own. And in those moments, there is the kind of love that exudes from within. A love for my child. A love for my God. And whispered prayers of gratitude go up to Him. And whispered promises of unconditional love to my Joshua, Jenna, and Becca. I pray over them...prayers of hope and desire that they will come to know the One who loves them infinitely more than Jared and me.
The one song that I LOVE and sing over my children is Hold on to Jesus by Erin O'Donnell. And this song is played and sung every night, as a reminder to them and to me:
You're a little piece of heaven
You're a golden ray of light
And I wish I could protect you from the worries of this life
But if there's one thing I could tell you
It's no matter what you do
Hold to Jesus, cos He's holding on to you.
The world will try to tell you
That might is more than right
That beauty's on the outside
Being good's a losing fight
But remember what I told you
Cos the world will make you choose
Just hold to Jesus
He's holding on to you.
Hold on to Jesus
Cling to His love
Rest deep in His mercy
Whenever things get rough
Don't lose sight of His goodness
And don't ever doubt this truth
That when you hold on to Jesus
He's holding on to you.
Hear me dear Jesus
Rock this little one to sleep
Keep her close when she's scared
And give her grace when she is weak
I know that she'll stumble
But I know she'll make it through
If you hold to her just like
You said You'd do
Hold her Jesus
And she'll hold on tight to You
(Erin O'Donnell, No Place So Far)
So, my nights are now filled with these precious memories. And my days, while hectic, are causing me to pause and be intentional about capturing similar memories to treasure in my heart.
Motherhood is a bittersweet journey. But so worth it! My three cutie-patooties are so worth it!
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